Am I ready to be a "mom"?

It happened.  Dash started calling me MOM. 


I just ignored it the first couple of times, thinking it would pass.  It's been 4 days now.  I am officially no longer a mommy. 

My pregnancy with Dash was insane.  By the time I was 36 weeks, my foot looked like this:

I had issues the whole pregnancy and at 37 weeks, April 29th, 2008,I was induced.  I had preeclampsia so bad that my blood pressure was 110/220.   The birth was horrendous.  When he was finally brought into this world with a pair of forceps, he was horribly bruised, misshapen, birth-marked and immediately turned into my favorite person on the planet.


Just like my pregnancy, his infancy was really hard.  He had terrible colic and never seemed at ease.  He never wanted to be cuddled and the only thing that really made him happy was sitting in front of a television watching Dora.   

This is one of my favorite pictures of Dash because it sort of encompasses his whole infant/babyhood.

Crazy.  He was crazy and all over the place and unable to do anything for more than a couple of minutes.  Life was hard, in the best way possible. 

I don't remember Dash willingly hugging me until he was 2 1/2-3 years old.  He also didn't talk until the same age.   He would say a few words like "Dora", "daddy" and of course, "mommy", but really that was about it. 

I try never to label my children, but with Dash I often wondered what was going on in his head.  I could see that there was so much more to him and I felt like he was often frustrated because he couldn't express what he was feeling.

When Dash started to talk, it was amazing.   He knew things I had no idea a child his age could know.  He knew what karma meant by the time he was 3 and could use it in a sentence.  He always loved trains, and when he started to talk he would all of a sudden just bust out with something like how a steam engine was different than a diesel engine.  I feel like one day he didn't talk and the next he did.

This is all why my new "mom" status is bittersweet.  Because he was delayed with his speech and because it seemed his mind was always working too fast to concentrate, I feel like the last year has just been me getting to know him...and now he's already on to the next stage.  The "mommy" stage was cut short for me with Dash and in a way it is sad.  In another way I feel like we DID IT.  Dash, mommy mom, daddy and some close family did it.  We said $%^& you to the labels and let Dash be Dash. 

Letting go of the control that a label seemingly gives you is freeing.  Maybe there isn't a diagnoses for what is going on.   Maybe nothing is going on. 

All I know is that as Dash's 4th birthday approaches, I realize all the hard times have paid off.  He is as happy as can be, healthy, smart and hilarious.  While he may not fit societies standards of how a 4-year-old should act I am officially refusing to say ADHD ever again.  He is just DASH!   And I love him to death. 

Mother %$^&*#!

If you had anything close to a normal childhood, you'll know what I mean when I say that I wish I could be a child again...even for a day.

Yesterday was a really hard day. It was filled with landlord drama, bad neighbors and a plethora of other stressful things.  When I laid on my bed last night, the one with two toddlers and a 5 month old, I thought about those simple days of childhood.

Parents do so much, but it's hard to truly appreciate it until you're in their shoes as a parent yourself.

It seems like most days are filled with shit you don't want to do.  Making three meals and two snacks, talking your oldest through putting his clothes on because they are 'too silly' to wear, cleaning up spills, messy baths, fixing broken things, throwing away what seems like endless dirty diapers, mopping, sweeping, vacuuming and of course the more serious things like finding a way to put food in your kids' mouths when you're broke, dealing with housing issues and keeping all the bills paid.  This especially applies if you're a single parent. 

One of the hardest things for me is after a crappy day, you've still got to go into your messy kitchen and find something deep in your cupboard to make for dinner, all while your kids are giving each other titty-twisters and head-butting the wall.

Kids are a daily reminder of how simple life can be.  A lot of what makes life so difficult is how we think --  societal standards and the pressure we put on ourselves because of it.  Whether we mean to or not, we end up telling our kids either verbally or through our own actions, what is appropriate and what is unacceptable, taboo and so forth.  

Both of my older kids' goals in life are the same today and have been for the past three weeks or so.  They want to step on each other and to be stepped on and they want to jump off of furniture.  As long as there isn't any danger in what they are doing (and there isn't, surprisingly), who am I to tell them to stop?   I always try to explain to them that if they were in a situation outside of our home, they would have to ask before they do certain things to people, because not everyone thinks like us.  But as far as stopping a behavior because society would think it is weird makes no sense to me.  To me, it's like saying 'lets speed up your childhood so you can become an anxiety-ridden, paranoid, insecure, unhappy adult...and don't wear socks with sandals, you ugly outcast!'. Of course there are a few obvious exceptions, mostly involving genitals.

Before about 5, you're either just not too aware or don't give a crap what people think about you.  Its about doing what you want to do and the shit that you DON'T want to do, your parents take care of.  They don't realize that when they are turning that light switch on and off 700+ times a day that there was a bill paid to make that possible.  When you're down to your last two potatoes and have to make fries for lunch, they think 'mm, mommy's making fries!  SCORE!', they don't think 'we are so low on food that all we have is these two potatoes'.  

While there are a lot of things as an adult that are truly stressful, especially when you've got other lives involved, there are also many situations in which you create your own chaos. 

I'm not going to say to live in an unsanitary house in exchange for jumping on the bed with your kid for sure, but I think we can all take a lesson from our kids (or kids in general even!).  It is more important to jump on that bed and use the blankets as a tortilla than to have a neatly made bed.   By having set ideas of what your house (or life) should be like, you're limiting creativity and stifling yourself, your kids and whoever else is around you.  This is creating your own chaos.  A non-situation that you make into one because of societal or your own standards. 

Even with adult responsibilities I am desperately trying to find the kid in myself.  It is definitely easier when you have kids around because you've got constant reminders on how it works.  Living in the moment, not thinking you need to be up doing this or that.    Time is passing in the same way whether you're enjoying it or stressing about dishes.  I have to tell myself to just stop a lot every day but I am getting there.  I am trying to make my kids' lives and my life as fulfilling as possible..especially because my kids will soon know the stress of adulthood.