You really got a hold on me

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I am not sure what initially prompted me to start looking up how to apply makeup online, but it started at about 3:00pm yesterday and didn't end until 11:00pm.  That's right folks, I spent 8 hours (a work day!) online researching how to apply eyeliner and then going through Amazon.com with a fine tooth comb searching for that perfect eyeliner brush (plus a whole lot more!).

This morning I woke up still thinking about which set of brushes I wanted to get, the $20 set of 15 or the $60 set of 16 slightly higher quality brushes.

Let me give you an idea of how this 8 hours went.

I look at a youtube video, mouth gaping, of this perfect looking man applying the perfect line of eyeliner with a specific type of brush.
I close my mouth, gather myself, and hop on over to Amazon.com.  I enter 'eyeliner brush' into the search bar.
A few single brushes came up for between $5 and $25.  Wow, pricey.  Especially since the only brushes I've ever been exposed to have been from the dollar store or from a discount bin.

I imagine what I look like right then and how I really need to start taking better care of myself.  It doesn't matter that I am a full time mom and never go anywhere...I need to look good, damn it!

I continue searching.  I spot a large quantity of brushes for about $100.  I think wow, that's a lot, but one brush is 1/4th of that.  I realize I can probably find an even better deal on a brush set for much less.   I was right!  I can!  Brush sets start at around $10.  I don't want to go with a $10 set though, I am worth more..I can get something decent.  I spend the next couple hours searching for vegan brushes as I do not want to kill any animals so I can look better.  I found about three sets that I liked in different price ranges.  I read reviews.  Damn, the angled brush isn't the best says most reviews, but the rest of the set is fabulous.  According to reviews if I get a MAC 203 brush I can replace the faulty angled brush in the set and have a really nice professional quality set in a lovely faux crocodile case.  SCORE!

I put it all in my 'cart'.  I want to make sure I can get to it easily when I get my tax return.
Then I see the 'people who bought this also bought...'.  DAMN!  A set of fingernail brushes to do detailing!  And I was just painting my nails and doing detailing today!  Before I even saw that!  I click.  $4.99!  $4.99 for a set of 8 'professional quality' nail brushes!  An astonishing $85 off the original price.  How can I pass this up?  Really?  I feel like I'm stealing them!


And then this afternoon I had a moment of clarity.  I only need one eyeliner brush.  One.  I do not need a blush brush, an eyebrow dealy, an eyebrow comb, a concealer brush, a foundation brush, and powder brush, a fan brush, a eyeshadow brush, a eye crease brush, a smudge brush...I just need one fucking eyeliner brush...and eco tools sells it for about $3.

It doesn't matter what a 'deal' I'm getting if I'm not going to use these things.   What it boils down to is I would have spent between $20 and $60 for an eyeliner brush.  ONE eyeliner brush.  The rest would be crap that I would have sitting in my bathroom getting knocked over, played with, stuffed in the toilet, put in bath water, used as a toothbrush, dipped in chocolate milk and used a sword.

This is what advertising does to you.  You can get MORE for LESS.  $$$$$  You can be beautiful if you just have these 16 brushes to make sure you address every flaw you have!  You can have ALL OF THIS for the same price as one of those.  $$$$$$$  What a small price to pay for feeling like you're worth a shit. $$$  Impress your family and friends with all this stuff that will sit on your counter!  $$$$$$$$

Now I feel like a complete moron.  I bought into it.  I don't think of myself as a dumb person, but last night this felt very real, like I was right back where I was a year ago when I still wanted things I didn't need, when I still went into purchases blindly.

Let me get real for a minute.
I wear makeup when I go out.  By 'out' I mean grocery shopping, diaper-buying, or to a drive up coffee shop.  I have like..2 friends, which I don't see because I never have a babysitter.  I don't date, I don't go to movies, I don't go out to eat, I don't go anywhere where makeup really matters.
I even got sucked into thinking of purchasing an extremely pricey professional set just in case this was something I absolutely loved and wanted to do on other people (oh my god).
Like I said, I have like 2 friends and lets face it.  I don't want to touch their faces.  Not with my hands, not with brushes.  If I can't even find time to go have coffee with a friend, why would I all of a sudden have time to learn how to apply makeup professionally and then goop it all over my friend's faces.

I can't believe all of this went through my mind last night.
I was all about getting a 'deal' and absolutely had put aside the fact that I want things OUT of my house, not more useless crap IN my house.  I got caught up and it is thoroughly embarrassing.  I had to document this because it has to be one of the lamest things I've done in a long time.

Today I just keep thinking...buy your $3 eyeliner brush and then how about, I don't know...pay your past due PG&E.

God help me.

                                                                          

What "poverty" looks like in the U.S.

According to Wikipedia the poverty level in the United States in 2011 was $22,350. 
I live so below that limit that you wouldn't believe me even if I gave you a number. 

Why is it that I can live so far below poverty level, yet I am able to have everything I need and much, much more?
We live in the U.S., that's why.  I am not living in poverty.  I was lucky enough to be born in the United States instead of a country where when you hear the word "poverty", you know that it means not having running water or even so much as a pair of shoes without holes. 

We have program after program to help people that are low income.  We have cash aid, foodstamps, the foodbank, WIC, HUD, other low income housing, the CARE program for PG&E, Medi-cal, SSI if you have any sort of disability, programs that will help with security deposits on rentals, the Mission for homeless to stay, free meal where you can sit down and eat something hot, the free store where you can get clothing, we even have Freecycle where you can get basically anything you could imagine..for free.

Our own little U.S. version of "poverty" is laughable. 
The fact that our society is all about having more, wanting better, trading in and up, having multiple, having extra and complaining about what we DO have is outrageous.

Shame on us.

My mom was watching a special with Sean Penn on Haiti and though I do not know the exact quote, he said something like 'seek out situations that humble you'.

That is exactly what minimalism is.  It is seeking out a living situation that humbles you.

For me, my idea on what I 'need' has changed greatly since I started this journey. 
I think about everything I touch in my home.  Last night I picked up a small pot and thought 'I do not need this, I can make do with the other one I have'. 

When you stop comparing yourself to people who have more (everyone in the U.S.!) and start focusing in on what you actually need, you realize how amazing you actually have it.   If more people would embrace the "I have too much" way of thinking rather than the "I need more and better" way of thinking, maybe we wouldn't have people starving while we are throwing away 25% or more of the food we buy. 

My goal, just as it was a year ago, is to only keep what I really need.  The thing is, my idea about what I need is ever-changing.  As I see more and more what real poverty looks like, I NEED a less.  My urge to purge things from my home has become almost obsessive.  The less I have, the more I feel like I am closer.  Closer to everything.  Life, I am present.  Closer to finding my calling in life.  Closer to my kids.  Closer to nature. 

My appreciation for life is 10x what it used to be.  I look at pretty much everything I have as a luxury which makes life so much more full. 

Looking around and seeing bare spots is success to me.  It is a visual reminder of the freedom I feel inside.  And the few things that I do have are a visual reminder of how lucky I am to have ANYTHING. 

I live in "poverty" and I am content. 

Oh, what a nice bag of expensive stuff!

Ugh.

I saw THIS link today on Perezhilton.  This sort of post is the reason why I look at sites like these.  My favorite posts are of celebrities buying groceries.  Its totally a guilty pleasure, but I love how you can spot the authentic people really fast when you see what they buy.  I saw a picture of Kim Kardashian buying about 700 bottles of Gatoraid.  She needed two carts.  Then I saw Jessica Alba looking at some iffy green beans to see if she was going to buy them.  Posts where you see an intimate part of someones life really shows you that we all have very basic needs.  We've all got to grocery shop.  Seeing people who are real and true to themselves makes the divide a lot less great. 

I like Jessica Alba.  It isn't like she is an annoying, obnoxious, skinny, mouthy celebrity who has an opinion on everything and tries to be smart (I'm talking about you, Megan Fox!).  I don't know her, obviously, but this post just made me sigh.  

I am not here to judge her, because in all honestly I don't even know what is in that bag.  It looks like there is food in there to me!  What really gets me is the comment below it.  'Now that's a good mom!'.  WHAT?

How does it make you a good mom to bring a large amount of toys to an office so your kids wont be bored?  When I saw this I thought about what my dad always says about having only a couple of toys when he was little.  Kids do not need 500 toys to be happy.  In my experience, if I were a small child going to my mother's office, I would much rather mimic what my mother was doing.  A few pieces of paper and a random object to use as a phone would suffice.  

It is so frustrating how everywhere you look you're told that things = happiness, things = love and things = good parenting.  Its all bullshit!  I bet her kids would rather go to a park or take a walk over playing with a bag of toys ANY DAY!   How can you possibly label a person as a good parent based on a bag of expensive shit?  We don't know, she could beat her children at home.  I obviously don't think this is the case, but expensive crap doesn't = good parenting and I wish more people would use more care when throwing statements like this out. 

I am far enough along in this process to be frightened by that bag of stuff, but just months ago I would have definitely felt inferior and like I wasn't giving my children all that they needed.  Even if only subconsciously.  That crap would still be in my head.  Now I can spot it and call bullshit.

Spending time with your children, telling them you love them, hugging them, letting them ruin a pair of pants out in mud puddles...'now that's a good mom!'.

Does this dress make me look like a person?

I have been getting rid of clutter from my house for almost a year.

One of the first things I read about minimalism was that there are several different phases to decluttering, which has ended up to be one of the things I think about and go back to a lot.  Each phase is supposed to get easier because you'll have (hopefully) learned more about why you hold on to things.  The initial decluttering of your house is extremely hard because you're struggling with your emotional attachment to things.  When you go through the phases you learn that the item doesn't = the memory.

What all of the blogs about minimalism failed to mention was when you get to the last phase; the phase where you're down to the things you 'love' or 'absolutely need', you're forced to sit with these things.  These things are YOU.  Or...what you have decided is you.  So, what happens when you decide you can't, or don't want to be defined by these things?

What about a cliche little plaque on your wall that says 'friends are forever but the blahblahblbhalbha' screams 'THIS IS SO ME!'?  Wouldn't you be being more honest if you were to make your own plaque, with your own thoughts?  Mine would say something like 'I use my back door because I don't want to have to talk to my neighbors' or 'I only check the mail when it gets dark and neighbors aren't awake so I don't have to bullshit with them'.  You are letting someone else define you every time something comes into your home.   If you have two panda bear figurines, you are now Joe Schmo who likes panda bears made in a factory in China.   I imagine myself in a empty white room standing there.  Then I imagine myself in a room with all kinds of knick-knacks around me.  Which is more me?  I, of course, think standing alone in a room is as close to 'me' as it can get.   I am me.  I am standing here.  This is me.  Talk to me.  I will tell you if I like panda figurines made in China.  If they are so important to me, I will definitely mention them.   I am every single thing you can know about me.  All right here.  In ME.

So what do I do with all this crap in my life that I've collected to show what kind of person I am?  The crap that ended up taking new life, picking up more crap like a fly strip along the way.   What the hell do I do with this mixed up bunch of shit that was supposed to represent who I was/am?    How do I get past the fact that I do not love cat figurines?  Somewhere something took a wrong turn and I turned into a cat figurine lover without even asking myself if I loved cat figurines?  WHO THE HELL AM I?


I am not saying that anyone should get rid of all of their possessions, but why do you have what you have?  Is it because when you look at it you feel a sense of happiness, calm, warmth or peace?   Or when you look at it do you think 'I like ladybugs.  I like red and black.  I am a ladybug collector.'?  Has all your crap BECOME what you are?

After some thought, I realized what is important to me is the feeling I get off of something.  If I look at a picture on the wall and feel happy, I should probably keep it.  Not just happy, but like, a deep sense of happiness.  Like, when I look at this picture it enriches my life. 



I've always heard that things don't define you, but uh, they sort of do.

One man's trash, not necessarily another man's treasure

I've always had a hard time throwing anything away of value, or what I perceive to have value.  I am an expert trash-thrower-awayer and almost obsessively go through my kitchen to make sure there aren't any packages or papers laying around, but when it comes to an iffy item, I am guilty of letting things lay around and get in my way.   A good example would be a pair of Carters brand toddler jeans.  The zipper was broken, but the rest of the jeans looked new.  

I don't know how to fix such a small zipper.  I do not have the time or patience to learn.   So what do I do with them?  I let them sit with good intentions.  By that I mean I have this idea in my mind that I'll either decide I all of a sudden have the energy and know how to fix the jeans, or that I will donate them so another kid can use them.   

Those thoughts are insanely unrealistic.  I've fixed maybe 2 articles of clothing in my life and how cruel would I be if I gave a pair of jeans with a non-working zipper to a needy child?  What, is THEIR mother going to want to fix them?  Even if that person exists, where will I find them?  When will I find them?  Will I even remember to be looking for this needy little boy who just happens to be the same size as this pair of jeans and has a handy mom when it comes to zippers?   And hell, it may be a nice gesture if this person exists to go buy them a nice new outfit, something that would last.

So I throw those suckers in the trash can.  Painful, but empowering.  I had to really talk myself through that one.

It really just comes down to caring for people and myself.   My time and energy is too valuable to be spent on those jeans and its terrible to keep a pair of unusable children's jeans in circulation.   Same for an adult piece of clothing with a small hole or imperfection.    It just isn't right to pass that on. 

The just-chuck-it method can be applied to anything that probably won't make it into the hands of someone who needs it.  A good rule is if it gets lost under the cardboard flaps in the box in which you're putting your donations in, its probably not worth donating..unless of course its a diamond ring.   It's important to think about the person who will going through your donations.   If I wouldn't want to dig out a single butter knife or an old pair of panties from a box, they probably don't either.    

Sometimes making the call is a little harder.   Say..a single  completely fine, usable Christmas ornament that you find in May and want to get rid of.   Just remember that your time is more valuable than items and decide with that in mind.  If you can get that one ornament safely to a thrift store and you think they'll put it away until November/December when they can sell it...go for it. 

Keep in mind also that your good intentions that are never acted on don't make you a kinder, more generous, giving person.  You're still just a person with a dirty house, dusting around items that will never be used.

A new life

On September 19th at 2:24pm I gave birth to my third child. He was 8 lbs.11 oz. Bigger than my first, smaller than my second. His name is Finnegan. The last couple months of the pregnancy were hard physically and emotionally, so I wasn't good about blogging. However, I was good about continuing the decluttering process.

I am absolutely thrilled to be able to say that I accomplished decluttering my entire home. During the process I got rid of 40+ garbage bags full of items. I'm not talking about trash either! Of course I am always having to watch what comes in my home (a couple Burger King toys have made their way into the boys' room, dammit!). I am (re)going through my kitchen currently. Not a whole lot is going except food items, which makes the initial decluttering feel as though it was a success.

Life has changed dramatically. The thought of adding another child to my family felt overwhelming, but with the decluttering done my life is actually easier now than it was about 6 months ago when I started this process. I can sit and relax now, something I was unable to do before. I can clean rooms in 10 minutes, whereas before it would take me a couple hours. My kids play with their few toys a lot more now and aren't bored nearly as much. They were overwhelmed before, just as I was.

I have been able to focus on projects like cleaning windows or decorating rooms I didn't have time for before.

I can do my dishes in 5 minutes. FIVE MINUTES.

I plan to write more about the process soon, but am giving myself some time to enjoy my new baby and make sure I give my other 2 kiddos the special attention they need during this time too.

Vacationing at home

On all the blogs about minimalism that I read I see the same question over and over. Why does one choose a minimalist lifestyle over the 'normal' possessions = happiness and success way of thinking?

I can come up with several words to describe why I've chosen to live with less, but all of it seems to take so much explaining. I thought I could better capture my exact intentions through example.

I've always loved staying in motels because when you walk in they're basically a clean slate. Bed, shower, sink, a working door for privacy and sometimes a TV (obviously not a must, but nice).

When you go on vacation you're never compelled to bring all the junk you have laying around your house with you. You never ask yourself if you should bring that half bottle of White Rain conditioner when you know that what makes your hair look the best is your Biolage shampoo and conditioner. You never bring along a cheese slicer or a fondu pot thinking that this may be the one time in two years you will use them.

You bring the things that you use routinely and love and because space is so limited in motels, if you have a piece of trash or something that broke, you chuck it immediately because you value the space you do have.

Somehow the few pieces of clothing that fit into your luggage become something you respect more. You hang them up when you change instead of them ending up in a pile.

If you choose to eat in your motel to save money, you'll almost certainly end up on the bed with a plastic knife spreading mayonnaise on a piece of bread to make a sandwich. When you're done you either toss the knife or wash it off and use it again later.

You never have to debate about going anywhere because you don't have a sink full of dishes waiting for you or piles and piles of laundry to get done.

...and that is what I want.

I want freedom from things.

I want to live like I'm on vacation every day of my life. When I realized that this was possible I was so happy! I find the more things I get out of my house, the more respect I have for the things that I have kept. I pay more attention and take more time washing each dish. I make my bed nicer with the sheets I've chosen to keep. Once it becomes a way of life to respect and love the things around you, its a natural progression to start appreciating things in other areas of your life as well. I appreciate my health more, which results in my wanting to put better things in my body. I respect myself as a person more, which means I care more about who I let into my life, relationship-wise, because people can easily destroy parts of you with their negativity.

When I first started exploring the idea of becoming a minimalist I ended up reading a few blogs about the most impoverished countries. Google Zimbabwe's GDP and then Google the United States' GDP. You'll be shocked. Can you imagine any person living in that much poverty ever having to thin out a closet or pair down their shoe collection to just 30 instead of 80 pairs? Of course not. You can be on Welfare in the Unites States and comparatively you'll be living like a queen.

I'm not saying we should live with one pair of shoes or one outfit by any means, but there is a lot to be learned from people who live in that kind of poverty. Appreciate, love and respect what you have. Living more simply forces changes in your life. You don't need to be focused so much on the stuff in your home. The focus should be on the experiences in your life, the people you love, the time spent enjoying yourself. You only need one pair of shoes to take a walk and you only need one plate to eat a beautiful dinner on.

I am by no means done clearing the physical or emotional clutter from my life, but I have made huge strides in what I've got to say is a pretty short amount of time.

You can change your life any time you choose. Every day I'm choosing to change my life for the better. Every time I throw something away or put something in a donate bag I am changing my life.