Does this dress make me look like a person?

I have been getting rid of clutter from my house for almost a year.

One of the first things I read about minimalism was that there are several different phases to decluttering, which has ended up to be one of the things I think about and go back to a lot.  Each phase is supposed to get easier because you'll have (hopefully) learned more about why you hold on to things.  The initial decluttering of your house is extremely hard because you're struggling with your emotional attachment to things.  When you go through the phases you learn that the item doesn't = the memory.

What all of the blogs about minimalism failed to mention was when you get to the last phase; the phase where you're down to the things you 'love' or 'absolutely need', you're forced to sit with these things.  These things are YOU.  Or...what you have decided is you.  So, what happens when you decide you can't, or don't want to be defined by these things?

What about a cliche little plaque on your wall that says 'friends are forever but the blahblahblbhalbha' screams 'THIS IS SO ME!'?  Wouldn't you be being more honest if you were to make your own plaque, with your own thoughts?  Mine would say something like 'I use my back door because I don't want to have to talk to my neighbors' or 'I only check the mail when it gets dark and neighbors aren't awake so I don't have to bullshit with them'.  You are letting someone else define you every time something comes into your home.   If you have two panda bear figurines, you are now Joe Schmo who likes panda bears made in a factory in China.   I imagine myself in a empty white room standing there.  Then I imagine myself in a room with all kinds of knick-knacks around me.  Which is more me?  I, of course, think standing alone in a room is as close to 'me' as it can get.   I am me.  I am standing here.  This is me.  Talk to me.  I will tell you if I like panda figurines made in China.  If they are so important to me, I will definitely mention them.   I am every single thing you can know about me.  All right here.  In ME.

So what do I do with all this crap in my life that I've collected to show what kind of person I am?  The crap that ended up taking new life, picking up more crap like a fly strip along the way.   What the hell do I do with this mixed up bunch of shit that was supposed to represent who I was/am?    How do I get past the fact that I do not love cat figurines?  Somewhere something took a wrong turn and I turned into a cat figurine lover without even asking myself if I loved cat figurines?  WHO THE HELL AM I?


I am not saying that anyone should get rid of all of their possessions, but why do you have what you have?  Is it because when you look at it you feel a sense of happiness, calm, warmth or peace?   Or when you look at it do you think 'I like ladybugs.  I like red and black.  I am a ladybug collector.'?  Has all your crap BECOME what you are?

After some thought, I realized what is important to me is the feeling I get off of something.  If I look at a picture on the wall and feel happy, I should probably keep it.  Not just happy, but like, a deep sense of happiness.  Like, when I look at this picture it enriches my life. 



I've always heard that things don't define you, but uh, they sort of do.

One man's trash, not necessarily another man's treasure

I've always had a hard time throwing anything away of value, or what I perceive to have value.  I am an expert trash-thrower-awayer and almost obsessively go through my kitchen to make sure there aren't any packages or papers laying around, but when it comes to an iffy item, I am guilty of letting things lay around and get in my way.   A good example would be a pair of Carters brand toddler jeans.  The zipper was broken, but the rest of the jeans looked new.  

I don't know how to fix such a small zipper.  I do not have the time or patience to learn.   So what do I do with them?  I let them sit with good intentions.  By that I mean I have this idea in my mind that I'll either decide I all of a sudden have the energy and know how to fix the jeans, or that I will donate them so another kid can use them.   

Those thoughts are insanely unrealistic.  I've fixed maybe 2 articles of clothing in my life and how cruel would I be if I gave a pair of jeans with a non-working zipper to a needy child?  What, is THEIR mother going to want to fix them?  Even if that person exists, where will I find them?  When will I find them?  Will I even remember to be looking for this needy little boy who just happens to be the same size as this pair of jeans and has a handy mom when it comes to zippers?   And hell, it may be a nice gesture if this person exists to go buy them a nice new outfit, something that would last.

So I throw those suckers in the trash can.  Painful, but empowering.  I had to really talk myself through that one.

It really just comes down to caring for people and myself.   My time and energy is too valuable to be spent on those jeans and its terrible to keep a pair of unusable children's jeans in circulation.   Same for an adult piece of clothing with a small hole or imperfection.    It just isn't right to pass that on. 

The just-chuck-it method can be applied to anything that probably won't make it into the hands of someone who needs it.  A good rule is if it gets lost under the cardboard flaps in the box in which you're putting your donations in, its probably not worth donating..unless of course its a diamond ring.   It's important to think about the person who will going through your donations.   If I wouldn't want to dig out a single butter knife or an old pair of panties from a box, they probably don't either.    

Sometimes making the call is a little harder.   Say..a single  completely fine, usable Christmas ornament that you find in May and want to get rid of.   Just remember that your time is more valuable than items and decide with that in mind.  If you can get that one ornament safely to a thrift store and you think they'll put it away until November/December when they can sell it...go for it. 

Keep in mind also that your good intentions that are never acted on don't make you a kinder, more generous, giving person.  You're still just a person with a dirty house, dusting around items that will never be used.

A new life

On September 19th at 2:24pm I gave birth to my third child. He was 8 lbs.11 oz. Bigger than my first, smaller than my second. His name is Finnegan. The last couple months of the pregnancy were hard physically and emotionally, so I wasn't good about blogging. However, I was good about continuing the decluttering process.

I am absolutely thrilled to be able to say that I accomplished decluttering my entire home. During the process I got rid of 40+ garbage bags full of items. I'm not talking about trash either! Of course I am always having to watch what comes in my home (a couple Burger King toys have made their way into the boys' room, dammit!). I am (re)going through my kitchen currently. Not a whole lot is going except food items, which makes the initial decluttering feel as though it was a success.

Life has changed dramatically. The thought of adding another child to my family felt overwhelming, but with the decluttering done my life is actually easier now than it was about 6 months ago when I started this process. I can sit and relax now, something I was unable to do before. I can clean rooms in 10 minutes, whereas before it would take me a couple hours. My kids play with their few toys a lot more now and aren't bored nearly as much. They were overwhelmed before, just as I was.

I have been able to focus on projects like cleaning windows or decorating rooms I didn't have time for before.

I can do my dishes in 5 minutes. FIVE MINUTES.

I plan to write more about the process soon, but am giving myself some time to enjoy my new baby and make sure I give my other 2 kiddos the special attention they need during this time too.

Vacationing at home

On all the blogs about minimalism that I read I see the same question over and over. Why does one choose a minimalist lifestyle over the 'normal' possessions = happiness and success way of thinking?

I can come up with several words to describe why I've chosen to live with less, but all of it seems to take so much explaining. I thought I could better capture my exact intentions through example.

I've always loved staying in motels because when you walk in they're basically a clean slate. Bed, shower, sink, a working door for privacy and sometimes a TV (obviously not a must, but nice).

When you go on vacation you're never compelled to bring all the junk you have laying around your house with you. You never ask yourself if you should bring that half bottle of White Rain conditioner when you know that what makes your hair look the best is your Biolage shampoo and conditioner. You never bring along a cheese slicer or a fondu pot thinking that this may be the one time in two years you will use them.

You bring the things that you use routinely and love and because space is so limited in motels, if you have a piece of trash or something that broke, you chuck it immediately because you value the space you do have.

Somehow the few pieces of clothing that fit into your luggage become something you respect more. You hang them up when you change instead of them ending up in a pile.

If you choose to eat in your motel to save money, you'll almost certainly end up on the bed with a plastic knife spreading mayonnaise on a piece of bread to make a sandwich. When you're done you either toss the knife or wash it off and use it again later.

You never have to debate about going anywhere because you don't have a sink full of dishes waiting for you or piles and piles of laundry to get done.

...and that is what I want.

I want freedom from things.

I want to live like I'm on vacation every day of my life. When I realized that this was possible I was so happy! I find the more things I get out of my house, the more respect I have for the things that I have kept. I pay more attention and take more time washing each dish. I make my bed nicer with the sheets I've chosen to keep. Once it becomes a way of life to respect and love the things around you, its a natural progression to start appreciating things in other areas of your life as well. I appreciate my health more, which results in my wanting to put better things in my body. I respect myself as a person more, which means I care more about who I let into my life, relationship-wise, because people can easily destroy parts of you with their negativity.

When I first started exploring the idea of becoming a minimalist I ended up reading a few blogs about the most impoverished countries. Google Zimbabwe's GDP and then Google the United States' GDP. You'll be shocked. Can you imagine any person living in that much poverty ever having to thin out a closet or pair down their shoe collection to just 30 instead of 80 pairs? Of course not. You can be on Welfare in the Unites States and comparatively you'll be living like a queen.

I'm not saying we should live with one pair of shoes or one outfit by any means, but there is a lot to be learned from people who live in that kind of poverty. Appreciate, love and respect what you have. Living more simply forces changes in your life. You don't need to be focused so much on the stuff in your home. The focus should be on the experiences in your life, the people you love, the time spent enjoying yourself. You only need one pair of shoes to take a walk and you only need one plate to eat a beautiful dinner on.

I am by no means done clearing the physical or emotional clutter from my life, but I have made huge strides in what I've got to say is a pretty short amount of time.

You can change your life any time you choose. Every day I'm choosing to change my life for the better. Every time I throw something away or put something in a donate bag I am changing my life.

Oh late 20's, how did time go so fast?

I am officially twenty-six years old today.

In the last twenty-five years of my life the most important days have been the days my children were born. I have given birth to two of the most beautiful people I've ever met. I am so lucky to be able to share in their lives. The love for life that they share with each other, the countless possibilities they see when they wake up each morning, their innocence, their freedom and the peace that they have is so amazing and so inspiring.

It is so funny being a mommy, especially a single one. The way you start feeling about yourself and your life changes so drastically when you see your child's face for the first time. Even when you get caught up in feeling sorry for yourself or even when your heart is broken the very worst, it only takes your child to say one thing to make you realize how absolutely unimportant 90% of the bullshit in your life is in comparison.

Me: dealing with betrayal and trying to deal with the fact that I am going to be a single mother.
My oldest: "mom-mom, I eat brother's sock"
Me: "did you really?"
My oldest: "not if you make trench tries" (french fries)
Me: get up, make trench tries.

...and my life has purpose.

I cannot imagine going back in my life to fix any 'mistakes' I have made because if I were to fix anything to make a better situation, a situation where I wasn't heart broken, I wouldn't be exactly where I am right now, which is...

I am a mom-mom and I make trench tries and I eat in the sunshine in the backyard with my boys, one of which is wearing backwards underwear and a boot and the other who's wearing just a diaper with grass and a dried worm hanging off, and we sing the alphabet really loud and in a chipmunk voice to annoy the neighbors.

I don't ever need anything else.

My own tiny home

I frequent a few blogs and www.tinyhouseblog.com is one of them. Whenever I look at these tiny homes I admire the simplicity that comes with living this way and I imagine these people's lives being a lot richer with things they truly love.

My dad and I were talking about little cabins. He told me all about the old one person logging cabins his father and brothers made. He said 'that's all I need!' and that he'd be 'perfectly happy' in one. He also added 'shit, you could build one in a day!'. My dad was born in 1944. He was the youngest of 4 brothers. He told me about having just a few toys. A wagon, cap gun, a handmade jumprope and a couple of wooden cars. They had large nails on the wall to hang their few outfits, all of which 'were the same'. His mom would bake her own bread, can salmon, deer meet and fruits and vegetables from their garden. She would bake cookies with egg whites, sugar and vanilla.

Talking with my dad just further made me realize what an abundance of stuff we actually have. We have everything we actually need to survive. Everything we have is convenient. We can shower and have hot water within a minute. We have heat at our fingertips. We have entertainment in a box. We have food already prepared in cans. And while I don't want to go back to 1944 and live that life, I do want to really think about where the things I use come from. Whether it be a factory, a local farm, etc., I at least need to think when I open my fridge how amazing it is to just have cold food in front of me. Cold food that I didn't have to pick, or bottle, or figure out how to preserve. We are lucky!

When I see my dad's work ethic, his likes and dislikes, his needs and the way he lives, its inspiring.

My point is, I have my own tiny home -- literally. It is so small, with 2 rooms being about 10x10, the front room about 18x15 and the kitchen being about 9x8. I have what I want right in front of me...under me! I have misused my space. I have stuffed it full of the unnecessary and overwhelmed my life with convenience, and in the processed moved in the opposite direction of happiness.

In closing, a quote from my dad.

"You know how many dishes I have? 1 plate. 1 fork. 1 cup and a spoon to stir my coffee with. That's all I need".

My dad, a 67 year old ex-logger with simple wishes for the summer, a garden and a salt shaker. He has a lot wrong, but he sure has life right in some very important ways.

Out with the old, out with the new?

Whenever I have relationship issues I find myself reevaluating other aspects of my life.

Well, this relationship 'issue' was a doozy..so in keeping with my reevaluation period and based on the severity of the situation, I've decided to take things to a new level and blog about it!

Typically I ask myself the following questions:

-What do I need?
-What do I want?

Today I added:

-What do I deserve?

It's interesting to see the correlation between your emotional state and your physical one. There's no denying that when I'm unhappy, stressed, hurt or frustrated that my surroundings show it.

I'm not trying to change that part of myself necessarily, yet, but I am trying to make my life easier when stressful times come up.

There are some areas of my home that are easier to tackle. Over the years I've gotten better about deciding to get rid of things like old conditioner bottles and almost-empty things in the bathroom. I also (and very proudly, I must admit), do not have a junk drawer or any catch all spaces.

I struggle a lot with how much of something I need. Will I regret throwing or giving it away? The worst of it is definitely the feeling of 'if I were more productive in a day I would use this', 'if I were a better mom I'd use this', 'if I got up earlier I could make time for this' and of course 'if I was thinner I could use this'.

My home still reminds me daily of the person I would like to be, or the person I think I should be. It's just not realistic. I'm not, currently, that person. I'm very much a single, tired, 14 week pregnant mother of 2.

My focus is now convenience and necessity.

What do I need everyday? I'm talking basic, basic needs. Diapers, wipes, TV remotes, olive oil, a pan, plates, shampoo, toilet paper, garbage bags, dish soap, etc.
Out of that, how many pans is logical to keep? How many plates do I need for 1 adult and two children?

What are the things that are unnecessary in my home? Pictures on walls, DVDs, knick-knacks, toys, books, etc. Out of those items, what is important enough to keep? Do I really watch all the DVDs? Do I look at and enjoy the knick-knacks? Can the kids really enjoy all their toys and books with so many?

What do I deserve?
I deserve items to pamper myself. While unnecessary, things like bubble bath, candles, perfume, hair products and other beauty products are something I should find a more permanent place in my home for (within reason of course), because such items will add to my quality of life, whereas knick-knacks take my time and energy (having to clean them, be careful of them, find places for them).

What in my home is overshadowed by having too many of the same item?
Right on back to knick-knacks. There are a few things I love and a ton of things I like. The things I love are drowned out by all of the things I just like. I should find a few special places for a few special things. I would enjoy the things left more, it would create more peaceful space and I would stop resenting things simply for being there and in my way. Clothes are a big one. I hate going into my closet and seeing a billion things I can't wear. I need to be less idealistic and more realistic in my choices when deciding these things.

My goal is really to have a nearly empty house with only items I love or need. And while that has always been a goal of mine, acheiving it has been slow going.

I'm interested in reading about people's experiences and any ideas on how to accomplish such a large project