Addicted

I have a total of 5G's per month on my internet plan and I'm already maxed out, with 9 days to go until it resets.  This may be a blessing in disguise as it's made me realize how distracted I get by internet-y things while I'm trying to write.  And not just that...but how distracted I am by the internet in general. 

I feel like living simply trumps most everything else, because the appreciation for life you get from living this way is a far better pay off than, say, spending all of your time bullshitting online with people you've never met in real life.  If you're a real internet addict, you lose time with things like FarmVille, but that's for another blog. 

I think at this point, for me, I've got to find balance.  I don't want to be an idiot and shun technology.  The fact that I can question how to spell a word and within minutes have the answer and 500 other random facts about the word is amazing.   It's also useful in that I don't need a dictionary sitting around waiting to be dusted, or having pages ripped out by naughty little boys.  It saves me time, energy and space. 

It also sucks the fucking life out of me.
I often have what I think of as internet hangovers.  I get carried away looking at Facebook and end up staying up way too late.   In the morning I'm groggy, irritated and have that weird heavy head/eye problem.  And yes folks, I even have the guilt that goes with a typical hangover.  Instead of the ohgodhowmuchdididrinkandwhatdidisay-guilt, it's more of a whydidispend9hoursstraightlookingatbackslidersfrommyoldchurchthatihaven'tbeentoin20yearsonfaceook type of guilt.  What a waste of time...of life!   I always think it's fine to have some meaningless entertainment -- the kind where what you're doing has no real purpose other than to entertain, but often when you get caught up in internet-things, it's not meaningless, it's destructive.   

Whether you're looking at an ex's - ex's profile or doing like I do with former church members, the feeling you get isn't anything positive.  It's not like 'aw, they look so happy, yay!'.  It's more like 'I wonder if that chick who wears too much lipstick and doesn't have any eyebrows realizes that the person she's dating uses his toenails as toothpicks?  MAYBE I SHOULD TELL HER.'. 

I usually know when it's time to start putting some rules down for myself and I think it is JUST about that time! 
The point of minimalism is to free yourself up to live life, to be able to enjoy things more fully without thinking of things you need to do, clean, move, take somewhere else, put up, take out, take down or throw away. 

So, I think it's time for me to minimize the time I spend online.  To minimize the inane shit I end up watching on YouTube (uhm, auto tuned dogs?). 
This is all life-filler and not the good kind.

I want to spend more time with my kids, enjoy the simpler days in my life before I am doing school runs, before I am forced to get a job again..I don't want to look back and know that all I've done with ALL of this time I've created is ultimately...nothing.  Will I remember those 5 minute 'this is the cutest baby laugh ever!!' video or how many rows of corn I planted in FarmVille 5 years from now? 

What I WOULD remember is staying in the backyard all day because we can, picnics, morning park runs, taking a drive for no reason, forts, making huge train tracks that span the entire house and baths in the middle of the day with dish soap bubbles.

You really got a hold on me

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I am not sure what initially prompted me to start looking up how to apply makeup online, but it started at about 3:00pm yesterday and didn't end until 11:00pm.  That's right folks, I spent 8 hours (a work day!) online researching how to apply eyeliner and then going through Amazon.com with a fine tooth comb searching for that perfect eyeliner brush (plus a whole lot more!).

This morning I woke up still thinking about which set of brushes I wanted to get, the $20 set of 15 or the $60 set of 16 slightly higher quality brushes.

Let me give you an idea of how this 8 hours went.

I look at a youtube video, mouth gaping, of this perfect looking man applying the perfect line of eyeliner with a specific type of brush.
I close my mouth, gather myself, and hop on over to Amazon.com.  I enter 'eyeliner brush' into the search bar.
A few single brushes came up for between $5 and $25.  Wow, pricey.  Especially since the only brushes I've ever been exposed to have been from the dollar store or from a discount bin.

I imagine what I look like right then and how I really need to start taking better care of myself.  It doesn't matter that I am a full time mom and never go anywhere...I need to look good, damn it!

I continue searching.  I spot a large quantity of brushes for about $100.  I think wow, that's a lot, but one brush is 1/4th of that.  I realize I can probably find an even better deal on a brush set for much less.   I was right!  I can!  Brush sets start at around $10.  I don't want to go with a $10 set though, I am worth more..I can get something decent.  I spend the next couple hours searching for vegan brushes as I do not want to kill any animals so I can look better.  I found about three sets that I liked in different price ranges.  I read reviews.  Damn, the angled brush isn't the best says most reviews, but the rest of the set is fabulous.  According to reviews if I get a MAC 203 brush I can replace the faulty angled brush in the set and have a really nice professional quality set in a lovely faux crocodile case.  SCORE!

I put it all in my 'cart'.  I want to make sure I can get to it easily when I get my tax return.
Then I see the 'people who bought this also bought...'.  DAMN!  A set of fingernail brushes to do detailing!  And I was just painting my nails and doing detailing today!  Before I even saw that!  I click.  $4.99!  $4.99 for a set of 8 'professional quality' nail brushes!  An astonishing $85 off the original price.  How can I pass this up?  Really?  I feel like I'm stealing them!


And then this afternoon I had a moment of clarity.  I only need one eyeliner brush.  One.  I do not need a blush brush, an eyebrow dealy, an eyebrow comb, a concealer brush, a foundation brush, and powder brush, a fan brush, a eyeshadow brush, a eye crease brush, a smudge brush...I just need one fucking eyeliner brush...and eco tools sells it for about $3.

It doesn't matter what a 'deal' I'm getting if I'm not going to use these things.   What it boils down to is I would have spent between $20 and $60 for an eyeliner brush.  ONE eyeliner brush.  The rest would be crap that I would have sitting in my bathroom getting knocked over, played with, stuffed in the toilet, put in bath water, used as a toothbrush, dipped in chocolate milk and used a sword.

This is what advertising does to you.  You can get MORE for LESS.  $$$$$  You can be beautiful if you just have these 16 brushes to make sure you address every flaw you have!  You can have ALL OF THIS for the same price as one of those.  $$$$$$$  What a small price to pay for feeling like you're worth a shit. $$$  Impress your family and friends with all this stuff that will sit on your counter!  $$$$$$$$

Now I feel like a complete moron.  I bought into it.  I don't think of myself as a dumb person, but last night this felt very real, like I was right back where I was a year ago when I still wanted things I didn't need, when I still went into purchases blindly.

Let me get real for a minute.
I wear makeup when I go out.  By 'out' I mean grocery shopping, diaper-buying, or to a drive up coffee shop.  I have like..2 friends, which I don't see because I never have a babysitter.  I don't date, I don't go to movies, I don't go out to eat, I don't go anywhere where makeup really matters.
I even got sucked into thinking of purchasing an extremely pricey professional set just in case this was something I absolutely loved and wanted to do on other people (oh my god).
Like I said, I have like 2 friends and lets face it.  I don't want to touch their faces.  Not with my hands, not with brushes.  If I can't even find time to go have coffee with a friend, why would I all of a sudden have time to learn how to apply makeup professionally and then goop it all over my friend's faces.

I can't believe all of this went through my mind last night.
I was all about getting a 'deal' and absolutely had put aside the fact that I want things OUT of my house, not more useless crap IN my house.  I got caught up and it is thoroughly embarrassing.  I had to document this because it has to be one of the lamest things I've done in a long time.

Today I just keep thinking...buy your $3 eyeliner brush and then how about, I don't know...pay your past due PG&E.

God help me.